Your Guide To Sex With… #1

Philip Burne-Jones Bt. (1861-1926) Français : Le Vampire English: The Vampire Deutsch: Der Vampir (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Welcome to a new Hit Or Miss Series(TM)!

So, what the hell is a Hit Or Miss Series(TM)? I’m glad you asked. A Hit Or Miss Series(TM) is a series of posts on whatever random subject strikes my imagination. No particular schedule. No particular format. So, for the Your Guide To Sex With… Hit Or Miss Series(TM) {Hey, now, I’m pretending to be precious with the little (TM) symbol! Don’t laugh!}

For the first Your Guide To Sex With… post, I thought about staying close to home, and talking about what would happen if a human had sex with a weredragon. But, there are some SOOPER SEKRIT S’PRIZEZ involved with that, so I’m holding it until Blood Dragon I is published. That way, I won’t ruin the first time for you.

With weredragons out of the running, then, I think I’ll go with The Vampire. So here it is

Your Guide To Sex With… The Vampire!

What follows is a compilation of tips gleaned from numerous Paranormal Romances about the best ways to have sex with a vampire. Some of the advice might seem conflicting, but oh well.

1. Always wear a turtleneck! Yes, all the way through to the afterglow. Everyone knows horny vampires get hungry, and hungry vampires bite. So if you want to keep your blood, keep the turtleneck on.
2. Make sure your vampire feeds first. Some believe that to prevent erectile dysfunction in the male vampire, he must be well-fed. The extra blood will make sure there’s plenty for… you know. Sorry, Viagra doesn’t work for vampires.
3. Allow your vampire to bite you at the critical moment. Everyone knows that a vampire’s bite is incredibly sensual and pleasurable. To ensure your utmost satisfaction, let him bite to his heart’s content.
4. If cool, white skin creeps you out, makes you think of a fish’s belly, or other not-so-sexy things, send your vampire for a spray-tan first. Then get him one of those electric warming lap throws that old people use to keep their feet warm.
5. Take your vitamins, and stock up on sports drinks. And it wouldn’t hurt to keep some high-iron foods handy, too, just in case. Since vampires are so much stronger than humans, they have more stamina, too. Your vampire will keep going all night, so you’re going to need some nutritional and hydrational supplementation. If you let him bite you, you’ll need the iron, too.

If you take these precautions faithfully, there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy great sex with your vampire. At least until he either drains you dry, or turns you.

Stay tuned for another Your Guide To Sex With… post in this Hit Or Miss Series(TM) at some future date.